Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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