I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
