I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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