Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
