I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
