God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
