I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
