Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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