Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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