i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
