Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
