You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
