Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
