her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
