How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Randomize
