the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
