this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
