If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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