1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
