Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
