Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
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