Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
