his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
