is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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