I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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