does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
