just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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