I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
