I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
