Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
