he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
