i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
