so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
