I just pynch a tree in the face
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
