Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
