is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
