He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
