True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
