i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
