the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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