True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
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