Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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