I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
