Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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