Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
