I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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