Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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