I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
