did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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