I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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