just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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